I DON’T WANT TO FORGIVE
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, how
often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy
times seven.”
—Matthew 18:21-22
Everyone agrees
forgiveness is something we should do until we are confronted with the
unforgiveable.
*~*~*~*~*~*
From
Seventh Dimension – The Door, a Young
Adult Christian Fantasy:
I
stood frozen as if shot with a stun gun. How could he be here? Memories hijacked
me—the curse he put on me two years ago, the attack in the hallway, shaming me
with the worm, and all the things too numerous to mention. He had made my life
hell. I hated him. How dare he follow me here! I began to hyperventilate,
feeling my way behind me with my hands.
“Don’t
come near me or I’ll kill you.”
—Shale
Snyder and Judd Luster, chapter twelve
*~*~*~*~*~*
Did Shale have the “right” to hate Judd? After
all, he had tried to put a curse on her when she was young, physically attacked
her in the hallway at school, and bullied her relentlessly.
How
about Judd? Was he justified in how he treated Shale? Shale had hurt Judd when
she accidentally killed his puppy. Do two wrongs make a right?
I
have been a Christian since I was twelve years old. At thirty I rededicated my
life to Jesus Christ when I read the book of Romans in the New Testament. My
desire to read the Bible was prompted when my husband left me for another
woman.
At
the core of my struggle was the fact I didn’t want to forgive my husband. I
wanted to hold on to my pain because it was familiar. I had been in a lot of
pain for a long time. I didn’t know how I would live without him and I didn’t
feel like he deserved to be forgiven.
Besides
that, I was grieving. Emotionally I was too distraught to be rational about the
concept of forgiveness. My sorrow was like a stranglehold, deep and relentless.
Once
I realized I needed to forgive, I wasn’t sure I could. I’d died a thousand
deaths and there was no way I could forgive anyone who had hurt me that badly.
Has
someone done something to you and you can’t seem to let go? Have you ever done
something to someone that caused that person immense pain?
Over
the course of time, the raw memories will fade. The pain may ease, but will
probably always be there. Despite the hurt, forgiveness brings acceptance and
peace.
Hate
is one of the strongest emotions of the human psyche. Martin Luther King said, “Darkness
cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only
love can do that.”
Shale’s
hatred toward Judd spilled out into other areas of her life, particularly
in her relationship with God. She angrily blamed him for sending her broken
toys, taking away her best friend, giving her parents who didn’t understand her
and teachers who hated her. Most of all, she was angry at God for teasing her
with a stray dog she couldn’t keep.
When
you refuse to forgive, you harbor bitterness. You can’t compartmentalize your
feelings. Being unable to forgive will eventually take over your entire
personality. Have you ever met a vindictive or bitter person?
Thoughts,
emotions, and actions will be affected. Just as cancer invades a person’s body,
hatred knows no boundaries.
Preoccupation
with hate can become a full-time job. It takes a lot of energy to stay angry—energy
that could be used for more constructive purposes. Satan is the only winner
when you refuse to forgive. Is your inability to forgive worth it?
Dear Jesus, I want to forgive, but I don’t
know how. Help me to let go of my pain. Help me not to hate. Even if I were
willing to forgive, it wouldn’t change what has already happened, but I don’t
want to be separated from you. Please help me to forgive.
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